


Chasing Impossible Things

by seven_of_cups



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: Breakup, F/F, Romance, drunk zelda, is the most fun zelda, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 08:17:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16991346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seven_of_cups/pseuds/seven_of_cups
Summary: Lilith liked to let those around her assume she didn’t have a heart. It made things easier in the long run. So, most times, she tricked herself into thinking she didn’t have one either. What she and Zelda had had, whatever it was, couldn’t last. There was no doubt in Lilith’s mind about that. There were too many obstacles, too much red tape, and Lilith felt herself getting dangerously close to those barriers.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this as a response to a prompt someone sent me on tumblr ( i fukcing miss yo u) and got extremely emotionally attached to it so here we are. Find more of my writing on tumblr at spellman-sisters-mortuary

Lilith wasn’t one to covet because she, generally speaking, had more power, resources, and vision than anyone else, but she desperately coveted Zelda’s ability to get drunk. Demons couldn’t, though she certainly had tried. In fact, she was downing an old fashioned in hopes that maybe this time would be the charm. The reason she was trying, once again, was because of Zelda. She was drunk, and she was texting Lilith, and Lilith quite honestly desperately wanted to escape the drama. She had a very clear vision of what she wanted, and it was for the two of them to be over. Lilith didn’t care for the theatrics. Nevertheless, she read the text again.

_I fukcing miss yo u_

Zelda would never admit to such a thing unless she was drunk—if the misspellings weren’t enough of an indication. She was an incredibly strong, incredibly damaged witch. She closed herself off to emotional connections and never acknowledged it when she had found one. She had affairs, physically driven ones, and sometimes she had flings. An affectionate but sexual encounter here and there. But nothing more. Like Lilith, she felt too vulnerable, too compromised in a way, to truly open herself up to someone. To let them see her in a way she deemed unfavorable. And that could be anything from displays of affection to admittances of fear or doubt. She couldn’t allow herself to be soft, and it was out of fear and duty and expectation. She had been conditioned. Then Lilith realized that Zelda was slowly, secretly, possibly subconsciously getting attached.

And somehow it made Lilith even colder, harder, more unsympathetic. Especially after she ended whatever it was they had had. She called her pitiful and weak because it was easier than admitting that the text was slowly sawing her heart in half.

Lilith liked to let those around her assume she didn’t have a heart. It made things easier in the long run. So, most times, she tricked _herself_ into thinking she didn’t have one either. What she and Zelda had had, whatever it was, couldn’t last. There was no doubt in Lilith’s mind about that. There were too many obstacles, too much red tape, and Lilith felt herself getting dangerously close to those barriers.

Zelda had come over for a late dinner. They’d gotten to talking by the fire. They’d had a few glasses of wine, and Zelda was deliciously relaxed. Lilith had been in the kitchen refilling their glasses. It had to have been around 2, maybe 2:30. When she got back to the sitting room, ready to laugh with Zelda at how fast the time had flown, she saw her asleep in her armchair, head lolling against the side of it. The shadows danced across her face, and she was beautiful. Her cheeks were warm and pink from the flames and the wine, and Lilith was unable to bring herself to wake her. So she let her sleep in Lilith’s bed. Demons don’t need sleep, but they are able to. And she didn’t want to stare at Zelda all night though she very well could have without getting bored. She hesitated on the edge of her own bed, her brow furrowed. She ran her thumb back and forth over the tips of her fingers, her other hand tucked across her middle. They’d never actually slept together in the most innocent sense of the word. Far too intimate for either of them. It was a line Lilith had never wanted to cross because she knew it would lead them into dangerous territory. Dangerous for which of them, however, was unclear.

Lilith’s frown deepened as she watched Zelda’s peaceful expression. She looked so open and vulnerable, one of her arms raised above her head and the other across her middle, and falling asleep felt like an act of trust. Lilith realized how ridiculous that sounded but couldn’t help thinking it all the same. Her chest rose and fell, and Lilith felt drawn to the motion the way the tides are pulled by the moon. Inescapable and profound. Slowly, Lilith placed her hand on Zelda’s chest and felt the thumping of her heart, steady and dependable. It grounded Lilith’s rampant thoughts, and for the first time in a long time Lilith felt utterly at ease. Against her better judgement, Lilith slipped into bed next to Zelda, her hand remaining gently over her heart.

Lilith woke up the next morning before Zelda. Her eyes flickered open to the morning sun streaming in, and she was incredibly surprised to find Zelda on her stomach and wrapped around her like a vine. Her strawberry blonde hair was on Lilith’s cheek, her arm was hooked securely around Lilith’s waist, and her leg was woven between Lilith’s two. Her weight was warm and heavy on Lilith, and she watched her back rise and fall with the tide of her breathing. She looked so peaceful, and Lilith was stiff and frozen. Though she felt something ancient and dangerous stir in her then. Something warm and ravenous and deliciously painful. Something that was bound to end up controlling her. So Lilith revolted against it.

She ended things soon after. No explanation, just done. Zelda deserved better, Lilith knew that. Unfortunately, Zelda didn’t think so. She was angry and rightfully so. Sometimes the way Zelda dealt with her pain surprised Lilith. This particular time she wondered whether Zelda had lost her mind. She was behaving as thought this was the first time she’d ever gotten her heart broken, and Lilith knew for a fact that it wasn’t. Her phone buzzed again.

_i know yo u mis me too_

Lilith missed Zelda more than she’d ever missed anything since the dawn of time. So, yes, Lilith did have a heart. And she hated being reminded of it. Yes, she was cold. Yes, she was cruel. Yes, Zelda didn’t deserve it. But Lilith might very well care for her more than she’s ever cared about anything in this god forsaken world. And, though Zelda had never said it, she might just love Lilith. But this was better for both of them. Best to end things before they went to far. Before she felt herself being rooted to Zelda by her own damned heart. Because having roots meant being dependent on the soil and the rain. And being dependent meant having weaknesses, vulnerabilities. And having those spelled disaster for a woman who consorts with the devil.

Lilith opened her messages, and with each letter she typed back she built up another layer of bricks around a heart she was just beginning to use again after so many, many years.

_Goodbye, Zelda._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilith liked to let those around her assume she didn’t have a heart. It made things easier in the long run. So, most times, she tricked herself into thinking she didn’t have one either. What she and Zelda had had, whatever it was, couldn’t last. There was no doubt in Lilith’s mind about that. There were too many obstacles, too much red tape, and Lilith felt herself getting dangerously close to those barriers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this with the song "To Live a Life" by First Aid Kit in mind. Maybe listen as you read?

It really wasn’t very long after Lilith sent the text that there was a knock on her door. Though time always slipped by Lilith the way water bubbled from a fountain - easy, effortless, numbingly unfaltering, and entirely inconsequential. So it could have been hours or minutes and Lilith truly wouldn’t have registered it. She’d spent the time between the text and the knock sitting in her armchair by the fire, staring into absolutely nothing. Trying her hardest not to think about Zelda. So it wasn’t hard to guess who was at her door in the middle of the night. She had half a mind to just ignore it, but against her better judgement, Lilith took great pains to stand up and walk to the door, each step more reluctant than the last.

She swung the door open wordlessly, her expression blank, and was met with Zelda’s red rimmed, watery eyes and the smell of whiskey. Something nice, expensive by the smell of it. She held her arm out as if trying to stop Lilith from saying anything before she could. “Look, I...I know how childish this sounds, but I don’t want to lose you,” she said, her words slipping together as she stepped forward in her ever present heels, her fingers gliding over the door frame to steady herself. “I...” she almost laughed then, her lips twisting into a painful smile. “I don’t think I can,” she shrugged and stared at Lilith expectantly.

“What are you doing here?” Lilith asked evenly, ignoring the way her chest tightened and replacing it with annoyance. Zelda opened and closed her mouth, shaking her head.

“Why?” she finally breathed, stepping closer. Lilith side stepped her to close the door behind Zelda. Lilith took a deep breath as she faced the door and then turned on her heel.

“It’s just...not working between us, Zelda. And you’ll be perfectly fine without me. You’ve managed before you can manage again,” she said curly, dismissively, waving Zelda off like what they’d had had been nothing.

“I don’t want to _manage_ ,” Zelda pleaded, stepping towards her and reaching out to grab her arm. “Mary, I...” Lilith didn’t pull away, but she felt her stomach churn at Zelda’s use of a name that wasn’t hers. When tears started forming in Zelda’s eyes, big and heavy, Lilith did pull away and brush past her, moving to stand behind her armchair instead. She rested a hand on the back of the chair and pushed down all of the shame she was feeling. She hated herself for even feeling it. Lilith was older than Zelda’s civilization. She was more clever, more sadistic, more powerful than the oldest most revered witches. She had titles. Madam Satan. Mother of demons. Satan’s concubine. They were roles that demanded the utmost frigid, unfeeling cruelty that Lilith could conjure. She wasn’t supposed to have a heart. And she supposed that was her one weakness. She was, deep down somewhere, still human. Corrupted, yes. Molded like putty and transformed into something she barely recognized sometimes, but, yes, she was, at her most basic, human. And that meant she felt Zelda’s tears like daggers in her chest. As each one fell, her stance behind the armchair became more and more on principle and less and less because of her desire to be there.

Zelda stood there in her living room crying, drunk, and alone. More than anything, Lilith wanted to wrap her in her arms and tell her it was going to be okay.

“Mary, please say something. Just tell me why. At least,” Zelda shrugged, her voice high and cracking. Her body was incredibly stiff, and Lilith suspected she was holding back a sob, just barely anyway. Her cheeks were flushed red from the whiskey, and her eyes were desperate and searching. Lilith sighed and kneaded the fabric of her armchair...Mary's armchair. None of this was hers. Sometimes she forgot that Mary was dead and she was just a leech, using what remained of Mary's existence to infiltrate Sabrina's. Well, something quite unexpected had happened along the way, and her name was Zelda.

“No," she said eventually, final and definitive though her voice itself was soft because she couldn't muster anything more. It took all of her willpower to meet Zelda's gaze. Her lip was trembling, and Lilith swallowed and looked away. Lilith knew that Zelda would push for answers. It was who she was. And Lilith couldn't give her hints, clues, or the truth because it would prompt more questions that Lilith couldn't answer.

A sob broke through Zelda's composure which had been held together by her pig headed stubbornness and her inability to let others see her at her weakest. It made her vulnerable, and Zelda was right to hide it away. Except this time it made Lilith want to throw up. Zelda clasped a hand over her mouth and the other went up to lightly cover the rest of her face. "I'm sorry," she cried, shaking her head. "It's ridiculous of me to...anyway it's not like it was a _relationship_...I just...." Zelda trailed off, sniffling, wiping her eyes, and taking a deep breath.

No, it wasn't a relationship. It was sex. Until it had melted into spending evenings together and drinking wine and swapping stories - Lilith's of course completely fabricated. Until Zelda started smiling at her, warm and soft every once and awhile, and it always caught Lilith off guard. Until Zelda started kissing her when they weren't having sex, soft pecks or heavy lingering ones. Or until it was soft brushes of Lilith's hair away from her face or her fingers ghosting over her chin or her arm or her back. Just to let Lilith know she was there, to stay close. Until Lilith shared a bed with her.

Then it was different.

Zelda had woken up soon after Lilith, before she had a chance to slither away and perhaps make breakfast. That was what people generally did when a lover spent the night, correct? Though the term was loosely used. Lover felt far too intimate and friends with benefits was just wrong. They existed in some delicate balance between labels, certainly actively avoiding them at any rate. Zelda's eyes flickered open, and she breathed deeply, tilting her head to glance around. Zelda tensed when she realized how intertwined she and Lilith were. Lilith watched her curiously, hoping to discern how she should react based on how Zelda dealt with the situation.

"I fell asleep," she said, her voice husky, as she glanced up at Lilith, their faces inches apart. She didn't know how to respond, and before she had to, Zelda pried herself from Lilith and sat up rather groggily. "What time is it?"

"I haven't the faintest idea," Lilith answered honestly, sitting up as well. Zelda glanced at the light streaming in from the curtains and groaned, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

"Satan, what do I tell Hilda," she mumbled to herself. Lilith just watched her as she brushed back her hair and attempted to straighten her clothes. Lilith made no effort to do the same, and she couldn't really figure out why. Then Zelda turned to Lilith abruptly. "You...put me to bed? Slept here...with me?" Lilith opened and closed her mouth, blinking.

"I - well - um, yes. I, uh, did," she answered simply. Zelda stared at her for a long moment, her expression unreadable. Then she cleared her throat and stood up. Lilith did as well. She wasn't sure how she expected the morning to play out, but then again she wasn't really thinking about the consequences of her actions when she climbed into bed with Zelda who always smelled so nice and was always so warm.

"I should get back," she nodded. Lilith nodded along with her.

"I'll see you out," she supplied, following her to the door, adjusting her clothes and hair as she walked behind Zelda. She opened the door for her, and Zelda hesitated in the doorway with her coat. She sighed and then met Lilith's gaze.

"I'm sorry I intruded." Lilith wasn't sure why Zelda said it, but it felt like the events of the morning had spooked her. Satan help her, it had spooked Lilith as well.

"You're not an intrusion...Zelda," Lilith managed, and then something melted in Zelda's eyes. And all at once, she grabbed Lilith's dress at the collar and pulled her in for a kiss. It was fast and bruising, but it quickly dissolved into a sweet, slow, lips sliding between lips, absolutely breathtaking kiss. Zelda was slow to let go of Lilith's dress when their lips parted, and her eyes opened even slower.

"Goodbye, Mary," Zelda said, her voice cracking, her eyes flickering over every inch of Lilith's face before she turned and left.

"I thought you...we...were _stable_ ," Zelda breathed, bringing Lilith back to the present, the word choice clearly insufficient in Zelda’s eyes, but the alternative would have been giving too much away, being too open, too vulnerable. _Happy_. They were happy. Perhaps Zelda had been happy. Perhaps Lilith had been too for a short time, as much as she wanted to deny it. Zelda had made her feel wanted for a short moment, made her feel valued, enjoyed, appreciated for nothing other than existing. Not for a purpose or an end goal. She enjoyed Lilith's company, and it was as simple as that. Lilith had never felt that before. She felt stripped bare and vulnerable even pondering the idea. And Lilith couldn't be that. Not ever before and certainly not now.

Lilith didn't say anything back, and Zelda sniffled and nodded and turned her head away. "I see," she said, her voice low and controlled, tears still trickling down her cheeks.

"I think you should leave," Lilith forced the words out of her mouth and watched helplessly as Zelda's face fell no matter how much she scrambled to control it. Zelda made Lilith weak because Lilith cared for her. And that was the only truth she was willing to admit at the moment.

"I think that's best," Zelda answered, angrily wiping away her tears and pressing the wrinkles from her dress. "Goodbye, Mary," she said curtly, her voice breaking as she turned and opened the door. She hesitated in the doorway, her back to Lilith who opened her mouth, stepping toward her just a little. However, everything Lilith wanted to say died on her lips, and Zelda sensed the finality in the silence. So she left. And Lilith stood there in her living room, a fire burning in the hearth, her expression icy and controlled, for what could have been minutes or it could have been hours. Time, after all, always had a way of slipping past Lilith.


End file.
